Are you an adventurer who just loves to search forests and climb mountains? Are you the kind of man who is always ready, who always has the right thing in hand for the right thing at hand? Or perhaps you’re a brainiac, planning on eating cup noodles to warm you up for the midnight D&D session? I have the just the thing for you, whoever the hell you might be, really.

Presenting: the Titanium Spork

It’s portable (only 6.25” long), no assembly required (as you can see it’s just the one thing), no batteries needed (the Titanium Spork is merely the conduit; YOU are the weapon) and it’s easy to conceal and to whip out (uhmm.. only 6.25” long). You should not fear the heavy metal name: it can beat the toughest piece of steak and yet is lighter than the inferior steel spoons and forks your fellow campers or Boy Scouts or freaks might have, mainly because you only wield one integrated ingenious piece of a utensil.

The Titanium Spork resists rust and is easy to clean. Wash it as you would the lesser eating tools and you’re good for another battle with famishment. Throw one less piece of trash in your jungle treks because you can reuse it over and over again, thus helping the environment and saving the day. Whip it out when your girl drops her spoon (or fork) at the cafeteria and feel your chances of getting some real action later on rise exponentially, at the same time preventing her from re using that dirty, bacteria infested utensil, thus saving the day. Attack your cup noodles with the Titanium Spork and let your Dungeon Master witness it’s unbelievable power, compelling him to award +25 to your Paladin’s attack, forgetting the fact that your character is already dead, which is why you’re just sitting there eating your cup noodles.

The Titanium Spork is available at thinkgeek.com for only $8.99. Cup noodles not included.